He is the Most Writerly Man in the World…
His Participles Never Dangle.
They Stand at Attention.
When he practices social distancing, he still feels pretty close.
Even his white lies have a little bit of color to them.
He never takes himself too seriously.
He is a giver, not a taker.
His books often have multiple climaxes.
His five-o’ clock shadow is subtle foreshadowing.
If you saw him doing yoga, it would still look masculine.
Sometimes a bird in the hand isn’t worth more than two in the bush. You’ll have to trust him on that.
He once shared an Uber with a ninja.
Even his enemies friend him on Facebook.
(And he’s not even on Facebook.)
He Won’t Remember Your Birthday,
But He Will Help You Stage a Coup.
The bestselling Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book of all time was based on one of his after-parties.
He once seduced a librarian.
You heard me.
He never sets an alarm.
The black helicopters circling overhead take care of that.
His Recipe For Barbecued Mammoth
Has Made Him a Small Fortune.
When he’s around, it’s always the best of times.
Even in the worst of times.
When the chips are down, you can have them.
He doesn’t eat chips.
What happens in Vegas…
Also happens in his hot tub with shocking regularity.
He Has No Idea
What a Man Bag Is.
His smart phone, isn’t. And that’s kinda genius.
Pronouns? All of his nouns are professional. He’s a writer.
He doesn’t split infinitives. He spits infinities.
He once took a knife to a gun fight…and invented the bayonet.
If he ever finds himself in a pinch,
he uses a lot more than just a pinch.
